The internet is an addiction. I didn’t realise this until I stopped using it.

I have been off the internet for about a week now. Well, not completely. But I have blocked all the sites I used compulsively – social media, news sites, and TV and video sites.

The effect so far? Surprisingly dramatic. My focus is sharper, and my thinking is clearer. Distracting mental noise has reduced by about 50% at a guess. Negative thought patterns are dissolving. I feel my thoughts are more my own now, and I’m not just reading other peoples’ and calling them my own. I knew when I quit the internet that I would regain control of my mind, but the speed at which it seems to be happening has really surprised me.

So in this entry I’ll take you through what led me to quitting, how I did it, and the effect it has had so far.

The Decision

Seven months ago I started learning about mindfulness. The idea is that you try to stay focussed in the present and really experience life. You stop thinking about the past and being resentful. You stop thinking and worrying about the future. You stop conceptualising and comparing and judging everything. When the mental noise stops you can simply be. You can experience, enjoy and be grateful for life. That’s not to say that all thought stops, but it is to say that compulsive thinking stops. Compulsive thinking is addictive thinking, and it has occurred to me that many of us are addicted to the internet because it encourages our thought addiction.

Over the last seven months it has been a struggle to stay in the moment. I would have moments of total peace, joy and presence which made me know everything they said about mindfulness in the books was true. But these moments would only last a few hours at a time, and they would soon fade, and I would be drawn constantly back into compulsive thinking.

But what chance did I really have with mindfulness when I was conditioning my mind, for hours upon hours a day, to think compulsively? I was using the internet every day. I would mindlessly browse addictive websites for long stretches. I didn’t really stand a chance.

Last week I caught myself staring at stupid memes and plates of people’s food on Facebook for half an hour. Half an hour of this life, gone. Consumed by an activity I did not enjoy at all, but which I could not seem to stop doing.

I made the decision to quit. And I took it seriously.

The Process

Even though the technical side of this would take an hour tops (blocking a few sites and deleting a few accounts), consciously disentangling myself psychologically from the internet took me two whole days. Though to be honest, a lot of this time was spent saying ‘goodbye’ to the internet by bingeing on YouTube videos of Gordon Ramsay shouting at people. Stupid I know, but addictions, eh.

Deciding to quit Facebook took me four whole hours. I wrote down all the pros and cons, and after really thinking through every pro, I realised they were just illusory benefits. Here’s what I wrote down.

Initially, it was just meant to be Facebook that I was quitting. But then I kept thinking. ‘I’m quitting Facebook because it’s a waste of my life. What other sites are a waste of my life?’

I went through the same cost/benefit analysis of every site that I spent a lot of time on.

News sites. This one was the easiest. I figured none of the reported news was relevant to my own life. If there was any news that was relevant to my life, I would find it out first hand. As Tomorrow Never Dies media mogul supervillain Elliot Carver once said, ‘good news, is bad news’. Do I really want to fill my head with all the bad things going on in the world? I won’t get any joy out of it. It will just make me depressed.

Second objection? Many news sites try to get you ‘engaged’, which really means getting you annoyed and posting pissy comments at the end of the article. Opinion pieces and clickbait junk. The goal is to keep you on site, keep you clicking, and keep you enraged. Sorry, ‘engaged’.

Next was the TV sites. It occurred to me that I didn’t want to fill the void left by the internet watching TV shows. Their aim was the same as these websites – to keep you hooked to increase their ad revenue. They monetise your time. Your life to them is a commodity to be sold to advertisers. A quote from Andrew Lewis says ‘if you’re not paying for the product, you are the product!’ At least I’m getting paid to be at work, but I’m a slave to these people!

Oh but what about the BBC? They’re not in it for the money, surely. Well actually, yes they are. They just get it from the government (well, us), rather than the advertisers. They use the same methods of psychological enslavement to keep you addicted to justify their existence to get money from the taxpayer. As no journalist ever says today, ‘follow the money’.

And then there was the big one. YouTube. Why was this one so hard? Well, for one, I used to like eating dinner and watching Gordon Ramsay shout at people. If I didn’t have YouTube, what was I going to watch when eating?

Ok, so I needed a better reason than that. What about all the useful tutorials on there? Well, it’s fine until the next recommended video is Gordon Ramsay’s idiot sandwich moment, then Gordon Ramsay’s biggest blow outs, then two episodes of Hotel Hell that I’ve already seen. Four hours of life, gone. Forget it, if I want to learn something I’ll read about it in a book or use a different website.

Next objection?

Ok, so I consume a lot of garbage on YouTube, but what about all the good stuff? All the talks that I watch by spiritual masters like Eckhart Tolle, Sadhguru and Osho? I watch a lot of that stuff too. Actually, a lot is an understatement. I binge watch so many videos about being in the moment, that I never am in the moment! Besides, YouTube is THE most addictive and time consuming website of all.

And then I had no more excuses. YouTube, blocked.

And that was it. The void was fully open. There was no more content that could fill it. Well… what if I create surrogates and get addicted to new sites? What if I do a Donald and can’t sleep because I’m on Twitter? What if I spend hours looking at irrelevant curiosities on Wikipedia? I can’t get rid of my computer completely. I still need to be able to book plane tickets!

Ok, so here I got back to my motivation. Before quitting I had watched a video of a guy giving a Ted Talk who was recalling his experiences of being a year offline. He said somewhere that he had to get used to boredom. But then, he started playing video games to fill the void. The whole point of my quitting was to become more mindful, and live more intensely in the moment. So the solution to the final problem was in the motivation. I had to embrace the boredom. Get used to being bored. Like we all once were before the days of print, TV and internet. An empty mind is a clear mind from which original thought, creativity, joy and love can emerge. Before I got into mindfulness I hadn’t experienced these things in years.

And so I created my new internet guidelines.

Being Offline

And so it’s been a week. Here’s what the experience has been like so far.

My eye contact has improved. I feel like I’m actually engaging with people now and am more intensely present with them. Eye contact says a lot. It says you’re here. I never really use to make much eye contact. I would very quickly get distracted by events, thoughts or my phone. Improving my eye contact was not something I actually consciously did, it just happened. I was just more focussed on the person I was with.

The eye contact thing was more a symptom. The root was the compulsive thinking. The negative thought patterns that swirl around. They swirl around because we have little control over them. We have little control over them because we are conditioning ourselves each day to get distracted, to lose focus.

I was in Portugal for two days last week. It was 33 degrees and I stared at the sea, totally focussed for a couple of hours. The tides rising, the waves crashing. It was all so alive, but this would have been impossible to see if I was compulsively thinking, and not looking. I watched how the water was being pulled up by the force of the moon’s gravity (I think). This is something I never would have noticed, cared about or enjoyed when my focus was poor.

My writing has improved. What would have taken me at least two days has taken me a couple of hours. In this moment, this is the only activity that I am engaged with. The words are just coming without conscious effort. Like Donald Trump, it’s clear to me now that I have all the best words.

Conclusion

So that’s pretty much it for now. I haven’t quit the internet entirely, but only the sites and content that kept me from living my life to its fullest. I can focus on one thing, and not get distracted by thoughts, and I’m no longer spending hours on end looking at classical art memes. I’m less self-conscious and more engaged with people. I feel more like myself much more of the time.

When considering quitting the internet (or more specifically those compulsive and addictive sites that make money off your attention and time), the only real question to ask yourself is… do these sites really add anything to my life?

Mike

#1000MilesofMadness for Suicide Prevention

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. It is rare to want to talk about suicide.. but a father and son from Wetherby, both of whom are close to my heart, are going to extreme lengths to challenge that status quo. #1000milesofmadness is their pledge to honour the life of a family member who ended his life by suicide in March, and to raise awareness of suicide in the hope of keeping more people alive. 1000 Miles of Madness is the cycle challenge they are due to embark upon next Summer – riding 1000 miles across America over the period of 10 days. Please take the time to read this raw, honest and moving true story and support their incredibly worthy and necessary cause.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/neil-manaley/1000-miles-of-madness-ind_b_17875236.html?guccounter=1

Michael,

When you shared your Huffpost article with me in May, I knew I needed to respond. And that the response had to be more than just fatherly encouragement for your inspirational action, using your own lived experiences to define what you needed to do for you and to help others.

Of course, I immediately offered to undertake this ride with you, help you find sponsors for the amazing Light House Group (TLG) charity and as a result we planned our first 100 mile bike ride last weekend…

Yet it does not feel like that is enough. True for a sixty year old, who has overindulged in the fine wines, baked camembert, you mentioned and countless other health sins, for most of those 60 years, it does seem like a big ask. More importantly, add into the equation the fact that I had not been on a bike for a good 25 years, many would say it is a herculean task! No it is the 1000 miles of madness… which you inspired and there is more, so here goes……

What truly lived for me as a parent when I read your post was a need to protect you from such experiences. Yet it tapped into my own grief. Let me take you back to the 2 months before you were born, September 1986. Your mum and I were at your grandparents in Great Barr, Birmingham, England, when I received the fateful call from the police, “There has been an accident, you are needed at your parents home”. I was stunned, but then asked a series of quick fire questions, to which the calm and measured response was simply “You are needed at home”. I sensed something awful had happened and wanted to protect you, our unborn child, from such anguish. I agreed with your mum I should go alone.

The 13 mile drive to my parents, alone with my thoughts, was torture, my mind played with the carefully chosen words of the police, fuelling my imagination. When, after an eternity, I got to the front door of my parents house, I was greeted by a police officer. I realised then how impeccably the police had acted, when they informed me what had actually happened. My youngest brother Ross, still living at home, had used our father’s shot gun to commit suicide.

I was shown into the lounge where my parents and younger sister, Yvonne, were huddled grief stricken, there were no words, just uncontrollable tears. I realise now, in that painful outpouring there was a great cathartic release in that shared grief. On reflection, I denied your mother that relief and the healing of that community of shared experience and indirectly you too. So when you described the phone call you received from your mum about TJ and the fact that you were isolated with your grief, it is so understandable why you initially reacted the way you did.

My parents dealt with their grief around the loss of Ross very privately and after the funeral did not really talk about what happened. Mental health was still very much a taboo subject at that time. My father did go to talk to Ross’s employers to try and discover what might have lead to his suicide, but it revealed very little. My way of coping was to look for the positive in Ross’s life and his decision to end it. I made a secret vow to myself to become successful and so compensate my parents that way for their loss. I also vowed to protect you from the pain of life I had experienced so you never felt the need to take your own life.

Yet all these promises were about me and my fears of facing such pain again, the thought of losing you in the way my father lost Ross crippled me and drove me at the same time. In truth life has since brought me experiences, which would guide me now to ask of Ross to share with me why he was suffering so much, and maybe in the sharing and compassionately seeking to understand his life experience a tragedy could have been avoided. My learning has been that when you truly accept responsibility for all of your actions, even the smallest of choices, that is when you become a man and in that I celebrate the man you and your younger brother have become. I am so proud of both of you.

I am reminded of the story of the young boy on the beach who was throwing washed up stranded starfish back beyond the breakwater. An elder approached the boy and said, “What are you doing?”There are thousands of stranded starfish on the beach you cannot hope to make a difference”. The boy looked at him, picked up another starfish and launched it to safety, saying to the elder, “Well it made a difference to that one!”

When we talked about the motivation of getting on the bike everyday to train for our trip, when it is cold and the wind is howling you told me you only had to think of TJ and your hope in doing what you are doing to raise awareness and funds for TLG that you might save just one life, that is what keeps you going, just like the boy on the beach. Well son, your courage in sharing inspired me and that will I hope inspire others touched by mental health to act and together we will make a difference. Your audacious tenacity in seeking support is inspirational. I know you wrote to Prince Harry suggesting that you were ginger like him and that you shared an interest in raising mental health awareness, so would he like to join you for a stage of the 1000 miles of madness next year!

That would be like me writing to Prince Charles and suggesting that we have similar experiences in mental health, in marriage, children of a similar age and would he like to join me for 1000 miles on a bike trip across the US for personal growth and family healing. Initially I felt that was ludicrous, yet mental health touches every family regardless of wealth or position and only education will change people’s lives, so maybe……. Well to be honest the only thing stopping me now is the mental image of Prince Charles on a road bike!!

Irrespective of Royal endorsement let’s take time to share our experiences, the joys and sadness of our lives touched by TJ and RJ (Ross James) and hope at least in emulating our Princes’ courage in talking so openly about their mother that we too in some small way inspire change.

Neil Manaley aka Dad xx

Emotions can sometimes feel like they're overtaking your whole life, especially when in comes to stress in our environments. Stress automatically created a negative energy for me and brought me down. Sometimes the fighting doesn't become the flight and I become down and completely overwhelmed by what. My brain is telling me in feeling rather than how I'm actually feeling.

I like to think of myself as a calm person who doesn't react drastically under pressure or stress, but recently I've experienced a whole range of stress and emotions I have never experienced before. My brain has gone into overdrive and I felt more trapped in my own brains stress than ever. I just want to cry and be alone.

I thought I was strong minded but after realising that emotions and more importantly stress can impact your decisions I decided I need to sort things out. That was the first step for me and a very good one in fact; to actually realise something wasn't right and that I needed to help to sort the problem. I didn't want to become a prisoner in my own mind! I spoke to Zainah about my problems and how anxious they were making me. She was so understanding and offered her professional advice that was completely tailored to my situation. It felt amazing to be listened to and have someone on your side than the constant fight with myself.

I started to use her mindfulness techniques to refocus myself when I felt an episode of insecurity coming to me, I realised that the problem wasn't caused by what I thought it was caused by, but more importantly I realised that it wasn't my fault; and I'm not afraid to throw myself in at the deep end as I know I am able to turn the negative energy stress into excitement to get me through. I am now learning to be in control of stress and how to handle it in everyday situations; thank you to Zainah and Chakra

Ready to get your anger under control? Start by considering these 10 anger management tips.

  1. Think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something you’ll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.
  2. Once you’re calm, express your anger. As soon as you’re thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.
  3. Get some exercise.Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities.
  4. Take a timeout.Timeouts aren’t just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what’s ahead without getting irritated or angry.
  5. Identify possible solutions.Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child’s messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won’t fix anything and might only make it worse.
  6. Stick with ‘I’ statements.To avoid criticising or placing blame which might only increase tension — use “I” statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, “I’m upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes” instead of “You never do any housework.”
  7. Don’t hold a grudge.Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship.
  8. Use humour to release tension.Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humour to help you face what’s making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though— it can hurt feelings and make things worse.
  9. Practice relaxation skills.When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as “Take it easy.” You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.
  10. Know when to seek help. Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.

If you are finding it difficult to manage your anger, please get in touch to arrange one-to-one support with us.

We often come across ego-clashing in our lives; in the workplace, in our families, with peers or even passing strangers in the street!

Ego-clashes can be nasty and leave us feeling wounded or angry, and the atmosphere is made uncomfortable… even for the people who are not involved…

There are many reasons for ego-clashes, including conflicting personalities, jealousy or communication problems. Egos might also surface when fear, insecurity or lack of trust. Fundamentally, we are an animal species and conflict will occur. If our ego wins, we can enjoy feelings of euphoria and superiority. However, this is often at the expenses of others feeling demoralised, tense and stressed.

The bottom line is; our ego is our self-image, and also a great con artist. It knows us so well that it can use whatever tools it wishes to make us succumb to what it wants us to believe. This includes logic, false confidence and even sweet-talk to get us trapped.

The ego will never die, but we can teach ourselves to live in harmony with it.

Tips to Master Our Ego:

  1. Treat It As Another Person: give your ego an image and a personality and imagine this person when your ego arises – this can help you to see your ego as separate from yourself and disagree with what it says. Maybe your ego is a six year old boy, or a teenage girl – you decide!
  2. Reality vs Illusion: The ego thrives on illusion that we do not have enough good things. Focusing on what we do have can bring us back into reality and diminish ego-illusion!
  3. Learn to Love: The ego often lives off fear; fear is powerful and fear thrives off fear! Living our days with love and learning to see love helps us to see beauty rather than be frightened or feel threatened. Therefore we do not need our ego to protect us.
  4. We are far more powerful than our egos. We have less fear and more love than it tells us. When it comes to your ego, just tell it “You Are Not The Boss of Me” and focus on what we have, in reality, rather than what we may think we lack.

Talking therapy: Frames of Reference

Linking in with yesterday’s post about ways of thinking, have you ever thought about what might shape our thoughts? Or at least contribute to them? In therapy, we often call this our Frame of Reference. What does this mean? Frames of Reference are about how our beliefs and values are shaped through our lived experiences. A snapshot of what might make up our unique Frame will include our experiences of childhood, work, gender, sexuality, culture, family situation, work experiences, relationships and much, much more. We formulate our thoughts based on this information, most of the time. A frame of reference is a complex set of assumptions and attitudes which we use to filter perceptions to create meaning.

Notably, much of life’s satisfaction comes from experiences which broaden our perspectives and give us new ‘reference’ points. This is just as relevant for us when working with mental health challenges. We might not always understand them, or be able to identify with them, as the experiences might not be within our Frame of Reference. However, this does not mean we cannot support others. The way we communicate is paramount.

Resilience is the elasticity that helps us ‘spring back into shape’ when adversity strikes. Personal levels of resilience vary from individual to individual. Some stressful situations are easier to deal with than others. A lot of the time, overcoming stress comes down to making choices and taking action... so decision-making is a huge part of becoming more resilient, but it’s not always easy!

Chakra’s 3 P’s for Resilience help us make decision easier and alleviate feelings of stress.

We focus on:

What’s Positive? Consider that our brains are naturally wired to focus on what is negative. This is a survival strategy as our brain wants to be aware of anything it perceives as threatening to our existence. We can train our brains against this and think about what positive elements we can draw upon in a stressful situation. This could be a number of resources, people we have for support or things we may have overlooked whilst feeling stressed.

What’s Possible? When we recognise what is possible in our situation, we can become more creative in our thinking and reflect on how we can use these positive aspects to imagine what might become possible for us if we used them. This technique gets our brain thinking in imaginative and creative ways, distancing us from the stress response.

What’s Primary? Thinking about what is primary is about us drawing upon the knowledge gained from what is positive and possible. We are now in a position where we are able to identify what things we can do and make a decision on what it is that we want to do first. Using one aspect and putting this into action means we are already making choices and proactively dealing with our stressor. As we do this, we are building our own levels of resilience!
Values

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